Absolution by Admission
by AshInScribbleLand
Summary: Myka needs to deal with her guilt and Helena is just the woman to help. See warnings inside.


******Title:** Absolution by Admission  
******Fandom:** Warehouse 13  
******Wordcount:** 4,119  
******Rating:** M/R  
******Characters:** H.G., Myka, Pete  
******Pairing(s):** Myka/H.G.  
******Contains:** physical punishment :-P  
******Beta(s):** thanks to **aynot** for being my white board and **magicmumu** who made me realize i totally needed the first part even though i wanted to be vague and boring  
******Notes:** Myka/H.G. established.

XXXXXX

They had all agreed that the best plan was to stay undercover and pick the villain of the week off slowly. There were three of them and he was slow loading the arrows into his bow. All they needed was a clean shot. Biding their time and dodging his lame attempts at hitting them, neither Pete nor Helena had noticed Myka wandering away from them.

Myka was walking right up directly behind him, as he restrung the bow. It was no good, however. She hesitated, briefly, her own logical side catching up to her. Chewing on her bottom lip, she warily glanced in the direction of Pete and Helena. She was done being treated like some damsel in need of protecting. Taking a resolving breath, she stepped closer. The man caught the movement and snatched her by the wrist, pulling her towards him.

"Myka!" Helena screamed at the same moment Pete caught sight of what his partner was doing. He quickly grabbed Helena by the waist and stopped her from bolting towards the other woman

"And what was this supposed to accomplish?" the man questioned, leering over Myka as he took in her form "Unless you want me to snap your friend's neck, I'd advise you to come out now." He called over towards where Helena and Pete were hiding.

Helena closed her eyes in both fear and anger. It was not like Myka to take such stupid risks. Of all the stupid ideas… suddenly an idea hit her. She motioned for Pete to stay down and quickly pulled out the small tin of flash grenades Claudia had given her earlier. She had laughed at the concept at the time, but now it was the only hope they seemed to have.

The man began to count when suddenly Helena stood up in plain sight. She refused to look at Myka or the apology in her eyes at that moment. It would only be distracting and her own anger was something she needed to contain. "Here," she called over to him.

He grunted and nodded, pulling a knife from the sheath on his belt. "And the other?" Setting the bow down, he drew Myka closer against him and leaned towards her neck inhaling her scent.

"Him?" Helena asked, surprised. "You got him nearly ten minutes ago." She nodded towards a hiding spot not too far away, from where she had just been. "Now, how about you let her go and give me the bow," she asked, calmly.

The man laughed and loosened his grip on Myka, slightly. "Why would I want to do that?"

"Perhaps, to avoid this," she said, shrugging indifferently. She dropped the homemade flash bomb and closed her eyes. Moving towards where Myka was, she and Pete both charged the man. He screamed in fury, but moments later, they had disarmed him, neutralized the bow, and sent him on his way.

XXXXXX

The whole ride back to the Warehouse was silent. Helena was doing everything she could to reel in her rage. Myka slumped against the window terrified of what was going to happen once they were alone. And Pete, Pete was just far too aware of the emotions rippling off the women to even attempt to lighten the mood.

"Um," he coughed, clearing his throat, "If you ladies want, I can drop you off at the B and B first. No need for all of us to go check this sucker in." The reality was he just didn't want to spend any more time around them than needed until they worked through this.

He got it, he really did. Myka was sick to death of Helena fretting over her and treating her as if she would break. He knew her rebellion was on its way, but he hadn't expected her to be so reckless. Proving a point was one thing, getting yourself killed….well, he understand why Helena was furious.

"Thanks Pete," Helena said, breaking the silence, but not the tension. "I think Myka and I need to have a little chat about her behavior tonight." She crossed her arms and stared out the window. Scowling, as she shook her head in disbelief.

Pete shot his partner a sympathetic look. She may have been being an idiot, but Helena's wrath was not something he wished on anyone. "We wouldn't _need _to chat if you'd just listened to me in the first place. I'm not some naïve rookie that's going to go off and get herself killed."

"No, you're not," Helena snapped, leaning forwards from the backseat to get closer, "Which is exactly why you shouldn't be acting like a foolish child, desperate to prove herself. Myka I know you are a capable agent."

"Really?" Myka turned to face her, fury darkening her gaze, "'Cause the last few months I haven't been able to tell. You coddle me and don't let me do anything. It was sweet at first, but I'm not just some lackey going along on the missions for kicks."

Helena groaned in frustration. "You really don't get it do you? People care about you Myka. I care about you. You go out there, get yourself killed, and I cannot bring you back. So, yes, I bloody well am going to be protective of you."

I'm a part of this team too. I know what I'm doing. You don't have to treat me like some kid that's only going to get herself killed. "

Myka closed her eyes the moment the words left her mouth. She hadn't been thinking of the way it would sound and instantly regretted it. Cracking her eyes open to see Helena's reaction, she found she was both relieved and scared.

Helena stared back at her with a look that was a little too calm. She knew Myka hadn't meant to bring up the past, but the comment still stung. Processing the whole thing, she sighed, Myka was right. She was right and she didn't even know it. Helena was terrified of losing Myka, just as she had lost Christina.

"I think," she paused, not really wanting to say too much in front of Pete. This was something she and Myka needed to work through. She tried again, "I think we both have a lot we should talk about and consider." It wasn't an apology, but it was definitely middle ground.

Myka reached, back and grabbed Helena's hand. With tears in her eyes, she nodded.

"And here you are," Pete said, as he pulled into the driveway. "Try not to kill each other." He pointed at Myka, "You, listen to what she has to say, because if you pull a stunt like that again you will be in big trouble." Turning in his seat, he then pointed to Helena, "And you, don't go too hard on her." He winked at Helena. They got out of the car and as he was pulling away, Pete yelled, "Oh, and enjoy the makeup sex."

XXXXXX

"Don't be afraid," Helena whispered, coming up behind her in the foyer. She helped Myka out of her coat and kissed her cheek, reassuringly. Wrapping an arm around her waist, she led Myka upstairs to their room.

"Helena," Myka said, once they were safely tucked away in her room.

Helena didn't give her a chance to say anything else. Turning on her heels, she froze Myka with the look in her eyes. She wasn't as angry as she had been in the car, but there was something resolved in her eyes. "I said we needed to talk and I meant that, but not yet. First, we have to do something about your behavior tonight. Myka I really don't understand how even emotional you could think that was a smart move."

The younger woman's eyes shifted around the room, trying to find anything to focus on other than Helena's questioning glare. She could feel the tears welling and cursed under her breath. She had always cried easily, but after years of practice, she had managed to learn to control it. Apparently, none of that mattered in the presence of the other woman.

Helena sighed and stepped closer to her. Pulling Myka into her arms, she braced herself. She hated having to be so hard on Myka, but it truly was for her own good. Somewhere over the past weeks, the trust that they had built had disappeared. They were supposed to be on the same side, not fighting against one another.

As expected, Myka collapsed against her, burying her face in the crook of Helena's neck. "I'm sorry," Myka said, struggling with the words, "so so sorry." Helena didn't respond, but she held her dearly until the tears had run their course and Myka rested weakly against her. There was no fight left in her and little energy to struggle with what needed to be done.

Cupping Myka's face, Helena lifted gently until their eyes locked upon one another's. "Go get on the bed Myka." Helena's voice never changed pitch, but the hint of danger was obvious. She was serious and was in no mood to be fucked with. Excuses, apologies, and please for forgiveness would do very little to break through her cold exterior. She had tolerated Myka's reckless behavior for long enough.

Myka swallowed hard as she searched Helena's eyes for any sense of leniency. She found none, but there was something else in those mysterious orbs that confused her. Helena looked regretful. The truth fell upon her with a weight that made her knees wobble. She had brought them to this and there was no going back. Glancing to the floor, she felt the tears mist her eyes once more.

"Don't," Helena said, sharply. She reached for the back of Myka's neck and grabbed a handful of curls. Jerking down sharply she brought Myka's eyes to hers once more. "I am doing this because I care. If I didn't, I'd let you prove your point and get yourself killed. Remember that Myka." She let go roughly and turned away. "I won't ask again," she promised.

Myka nodded, despite Helena's back to her. She stared at Helena for only a moment, reassuring herself that she trusted the other woman completely. A nervous glance to the bed and she found herself moving towards it, despite her own hesitations. Helena's words resonated within her skull and she believed them.

Surveying the items upon Myka's dresser, Helena's eyes locked on to the sterling silver brush and mirror set she had given Myka just weeks before. "Perfect," she murmured, closing her fingers around the handle of the brush. She glanced over her shoulder and saw Myka climbing onto the bed.

Helena wouldn't have minded using her own hand on Myka, but was fully aware of how distracting that could be for both of them. This was not about pleasure and it was not about fun. This was solely about Myka's guilt and stopping it before it ate away at her.

Turning towards the bed, she found a very helpless and needy looking Myka watching her. She did her best not to react and instead focused on the weight of the brush in her hand. She twisted her wrist several times, adjusting to the extension.

Myka's eyes followed the gleaming silver with a perverse interest. This shouldn't be affecting her the way it was, but the weight in her stomach solidified the emotions. Myka was curious and excited. They hadn't bothered to turn on the lights and the moonlight from the windows hit the brush just so. Myka was entranced. She opened her mouth to speak, but could not find the words to describe all she was feeling.

Helena could see the battle going on in her partner and couldn't fight off her protective nature any longer. She wanted to help. Sitting next to Myka, she gently stroked the other woman's cheek. "And I'm supposed to be the strong one," she said, sounding shaken. "Myka you unhinge me in ways I hadn't thought possible." She smiled sadly and then steadied herself. "If you have any questions ask them now, once we begin I won't stop."

Myka chewed on her bottom lip, eyes darting between the brush and the other woman. "I just want to feel like me again," she confessed in no more than a whisper. She wordlessly begged Helena to fix her, knowing that the older woman would make it right.

Helena stared at the earnest and raw look on Myka's face and found it unbearable to believe that the younger woman could ever see herself as anything but pure and innocent. She was Myka. In Helena's eyes that meant everything. "We do this together," she said, grabbing Myka's hand and squeezing.

With that simple gesture, all of Myka's nervousness and reservations were gone. They were still equals. More than that, they were together. The trust between them had never left, she realized. They had just been too blinded by their own independent natures to let it take over. After years of standing on your own and proving to the world you needed no one, letting someone else take over was not a simple task.

"Thank you," Myka said, tears trailing down her cheeks. Understanding the stoic front Helena was staying behind, she was surprised to find herself drawn into such a sweet and tender kiss. Their lips pressed against one another and Myka was filled once more with a sense of hope and acceptance.

Helena broke away and cleared her throat, nervously. "How would you like to do this?" she asked, seeing no harm in giving Myka a little control over the situation. She knew Myka trusted her, but the other woman had a habit of being skittish and she didn't want her to panic.

Myka thought it over and shook her head, "I have no idea." She knew Helena would help and still keep her safe, beyond that she didn't want to over analyze. Thinking too much always seemed to get her into trouble anyways.

"Normally, I wouldn't mind putting you over my knee," Helena said, smirking at the surprised look on her friend's face, "But under the circumstance I don't think I can have you that close. Do you understand?"

Myka nodded, "I think so." She could feel herself blushing. Despite the seriousness of the situation, she couldn't help but feel a small thrill knowing what kind of effect she had on Helena.

"I knew you would," Helena said, caressing her cheek affectionately. "Well, hands and knees it is I suppose." She stood up in front of Myka and wove their hands together. Pulling Myka to her, she smiled reassuringly. "This won't work if you try and hide from me..." She began to unbutton and unzip Myka's pants. "...And it won't work if you lie to yourself. You need to be honest and open."

Myka nodded and felt her jeans drop to the floor. Holding onto Helena's forearms, she kicked of her shoes and stepped out of her pants. Standing in the moonlight in nothing but a t-shirt and underwear, she braced herself for what was to come.

Helena nodded reassuringly and watched as Myka climbed upon the bed and moved towards the center of it. Shaking the nervousness from her shoulders and arms, Helena followed suit. "I need for you to tell me why this is happening. Okay, darling?"

Myka's head dropped briefly in defeat, but she murmured an agreement. Her muscles tensed and jerked, as she waited unknowingly. To say she was scared would be an understatement. Helena was nothing for her to be afraid of. It was her own demons that were causing her the worry. Tucked away in the recesses of her mind for so long, she was apprehensive about finally facing them. Not just facing them, but giving them a voice.

The power of speech was a crazy thing. Myka recalled the legends about mythical creatures and their names. Giving a name also gave power. You could summon the creature and to an extent bend it to your will. Living a life where she saw magic contort in all directions, she wondered if this might not be such a case.

If she gave a voice to her own demons, would they gain power over her? She wasn't sure if she would be strong enough to take that power back. Would her demons gain enough strength that they would consume what little self she had left? Looking over her shoulder at the woman behind her, she felt a surge of confidence. Helena would never let her go and in that, she took comfort.

With that final thought, she felt the white heat of the weighted silver clash against her skin. The darkness in her mind shifted and she gasped for a breath that would not bring release.

"One," Helena said expectantly. Her tone was crisp and calm, but there was an urgency to the pitch that Myka registered as desperation.

Myka took a steadying breath, letting her body adjust to the new sensation. "I broke the rule," she managed, not feeling capable of explaining further.

Helena couldn't help, but feel amused. If Myka thought that was a good enough reason, she was sadly mistaken. "What rule?"

"Safety first," Myka said, through gritted teeth. She shook her head knowingly, understanding that Helena would not allow her an easy passage.

The brush came down once more with the same jolting intensity, but this time Helena's tone was approving. "Two."

"I put your life in danger." Still stinging from the first swat, Myka had nearly acclimated to the pain of the second. Her muscles still tensed, but the pain was not new.

Helena's face fell to that of sympathy, as she struck Myka harder than before. "Three." Myka was separating herself from the problem and that was no good.

Myka leaned forward in an attempt to get away from the stinging, but quickly retraced her movements, knowing they would not be welcomed. "I put Pete's life in danger."

Helena sighed. Myka was still evading. Her arm swung once more amplifying the force. "Four."

Myka gasped for breath. "I put my own life in danger," she answered quickly. The words were tumbling from her lips without thought and the reality of it scared her.

Pleased with the change of perspective, Helena eased off a bit. "Five," she murmured tenderly, feeling her own eyes brim with emotion. This was not an easy journey and she wished more than anything it was something she could push away with affection instead.

"I let my pride get in the way," Myka confessed, her own self-doubt echoing throughout the room. Despite all outward appearances, her pride was no more than a simple ruse to convince herself that she mattered.

"Six." The brush landed swiftly along the thin cotton that did very little to protect Myka's reddening flesh. Helena rested her free hand against Myka's lower back, in an attempt to remind her that she was not alone.

"I didn't trust you," Myka admitted, hating herself for it. She did trust Helena. She trusted her with her life. So why had it been so hard to have faith in the other woman?

Helena sniffed and tried to blink away the tears. She needed to be strong for Myka, now more than ever. She cleared her throat and continued. "Seven."

Myka gasped once more as the brush came down harder. "I didn't trust in us," she cried, a sob escaping her lips.

Helena paused. She carefully examined Myka's every movement until she was sure the other woman was in control of herself once more. They were getting close, but not there yet. "Eight."

"I need you to forgive me." Myka glanced over her shoulder. She needed to see Helena's eyes. She needed to know that what they had could be repaired. Without Helena by her side, she wasn't sure if she wanted to forgive herself.

Helena tried to smile, but knew the tear streaks on her face gave away her own pain. She nodded at Myka, knowing that they both wanted the same thing. With a grateful smile, Myka turned back around and Helena swung the brush harder once more. "Nine."

Her mind was spinning and her thoughts were racing. Myka needed to think of something quickly and stop focusing on the fact that Helena had just forgiven her. "I need you to be able to trust me," she sputtered.

"Ten," Helena said, her voice shaking ever so slightly. She wanted to reassure Myka that she did trust her, but now was not the time. They were so close and Myka was on the edge of a breakthrough. She had to push her forward, just a little bit further.

"I need to trust that you see me," Myka said, breathlessly. It was time for her to move past her own fears. She needed to face her demons for both their sakes.

_Good girl, _Helena thought. She hit Myka again. "Eleven"

Myka was crying now, struggling to face the truth, struggling to face herself. Years of defense mechanisms were berating her to not let go, but with Helena there, it was time. "I need to let go of the past," she promised them both.

Helena grinned. "Twelve."

She could feel the change in Helena's swings every time she was on the right track. She could tell by the intensity when she needed to dig deeper. She could not have asked for a better guide through her own guilt. "I need to move on."

"Thirteen," Helena murmured softly. She rubbed her hand gently against Myka's lower back and urged her through the words that were so hard to face.

"I need to believe in myself." Myka scrunched her eyes shut, but forced the words out. It wasn't enough to believe that she could adapt to any situation or perform in a manner of excellence. She needed to believe that being herself was enough. She had nothing to prove.

Helena gave Myka a moment to process everything, before moving forwards. "Fourteen."

"I need this. I need to forgive myself," Myka said, shoulders shaking and barely able to stay up on all fours. It all came crashing down on her and she could feel herself losing the last bit of control she held onto.

"Let it all go Myka," Helena said, with one final stinging blow. As Myka fell to the bed, she hastily moved up next to her "Come here darling," she murmured, pulling Myka up high enough to remove her shirt. She took her own of as well and brought Myka safely into her arms.

The skin on skin contact was exactly what Myka needed. The feeling of safety and warmth was intoxicating. She tried to wriggle closer into Helena's grasp and let the tears come.

"You're safe, love. I've got you," Helena murmured, kissing her forehead. She rocked Myka softly, letting her hand run up and down Myka's back lazily. "I am so proud of you," she said urgently. Cupping Myka's face she stared down at her partner and tried to show her all she felt.

"Don't let go," Myka asked, in a small voice. Helena was the only thing grounding her in that moment.

The older woman readjusted Myka against her and promised, "Never. I'm not going anywhere." She ran her hand through Myka's hair, smoothing the tangled mass of curls and smiled. Myka was relaxing against her and would probably be asleep in moments. "How do you feel?" she asked, nervously. Myka was exhausted, yes. They had just been on an emotional roller coaster that would have drained anyone, but she needed to know if it had helped.

"I feel," Myka hesitated, looking for the right word, "absolved." She smiled up at Helena and welcomed the lips pressing desperately against hers. They were supposed to be talking about things, but suddenly none of it mattered. They were together everything else seemed insignificant.

"Good, because you have nothing to feel guilty about my darling. You are the best person I know," Helena said, feeling her tears rising again. She cursed her own emotions. She had never been an exceptionally emotional person, but Myka brought that out in her. "I love you Myka. I love everything about you. We are all sinners and we all make mistakes, but I have never seen you driven by anything but your own innocence and purity."

Myka swallowed hard, not sure how to respond. "Thank you," she finally whispered and kissed her partner once more. "Thank you for saving me." She lay back down against Helena's chest, letting the familiar heartbeat lull her to sleep. As her dreams merged with reality she heard Helena softly confess, "It's you who's saved me, never forget that."


End file.
